


5 times Dan and Fiona were not dating (and one time they were)

by counting2fifteen



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bedsharing, F/F, Female Dan Howell, Female Phil Lester, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Technically underage drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:34:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27107305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/counting2fifteen/pseuds/counting2fifteen
Summary: Dan has been confused about her sexuality for a long time, and Fiona isn't helping. Or maybe she is?Labels are overrated. Having sex with girls is fun. Just as long as there aren't any feelings involved. And there aren't any, right? Right?Updates whenever I feel like it (sorry).
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 14
Kudos: 21
Collections: Phandom Writers Discord 2020 Fall Exchange





	1. I'll get you lost (but I'm having fun)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [itsmyusualphannie (itsmyusualweeb)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsmyusualweeb/gifts).



> The song for this chapter is [Holy by King Princess](https://youtu.be/_A4B0Yc5haU) and it is an absolute bop.
> 
> The original prompt for this fic was "a songfic based on Strangers by Halsey" and I think I'm still mostly following that. If not, I hope you still like it, Tara.

Dan didn’t know how to play poker. Most friends would probably take this opportunity to try to teach her, she figured. Not her friends.

“We could play strip poker instead,” Fiona joked.

“I still don’t know how to play poker,” Dan protested. “Don’t you need to know regular poker to play strip poker?”

Fiona shrugged.

“Do you _want_ me to lose?” Dan demanded.

Fiona smirked, looking Dan up and down. Dan suddenly felt very exposed, even though her jeans and long sleeved T-shirt were covering most of her body. “I mean. I wouldn’t be complaining.”

Dan’s face flooded with heat. Fiona was still joking. Right? 

“We can’t play strip poker; Dan’s the only straight one here,” PJ joked, bumping Dan with her shoulder. “I wouldn’t want her to feel left out.”

Dan dropped her cards. “I-”

“PJ! Leave the poor girl alone.” Chris elbowed her and smiled across at Dan. “I want you to know, Dan, that _I_ support your heterosexuality, even if PJ doesn’t.”

“Thank you,” Dan mumbled, trying to pick up her cards without letting anyone else see them. Not that it mattered. She was still going to lose.

“I don’t,” Fiona deadpanned.

Dan rolled her eyes. “Thanks, Fiona. Glad to have a friend I can always count on.”

“Of course.” Fiona smiled sweetly.

They played regular poker, to Fiona’s disappointment. Dan lost. Multiple times. She idly wondered what happened in strip poker if you ran out of clothes to take off. Did you just start tearing your skin off? Was that the end of the game?

Chris and PJ left early, claiming they needed to work on a group project (“It was the only time we could find that worked for everyone, can you believe these people?”), leaving Dan and Fiona alone.

Dan thought it might have been the first time she and Fiona were ever alone together. She had known PJ and Chris for a year or so now, ever since they met in their first semester English class, but they hadn’t introduced her to Fiona, who they had known in high school, until earlier this year.

Dan didn’t dislike Fiona, but she was a little bit intimidating. She wasn’t an English major like Dan, Chris, and PJ, her major was something to do with technology- Dan couldn’t remember what. She was openly lesbian, and Dan was very confused about her sexuality, and the fact that Fiona was very pretty was not helping.

“Should I go?” Dan asked.

Fiona looked confused. “Why would you go?”

Dan shrugged. “I’m the only one left. I don’t know, it feels weird.”

“I mean, you don’t _have_ to stay if you don’t want to. It’d be nice if you did, though. Besides,” Fiona said, walking to the kitchen and beckoning Dan after her, “Look what I have.” She pulled a bottle of vodka from a cupboard.

“Were you hiding that earlier?” Chris had asked if Fiona had alcohol when they first showed up, and she had said no.

“Don’t tell Chris,” Fiona said. “I provided free alcohol once and now she expects it every time she comes over.”

That did sound like Chris.

“Tell you what,” Fiona said. “For such a special guest, I’ll even get out my real shot glasses.”

“I’m honored,” Dan said sarcastically, but she felt a smile tugging at her lips.

Fiona handed Dan the bottle of vodka and pointed her towards one of the doors in the hallway. “My roommate’s out tonight, but just in case, let’s move this to my room.”

It took Dan a moment to find the light switch in Fiona’s room. Fiona’s room was about what she expected- small, a messy desk in one corner, brightly colored sheets on the bed. 

Dan liked it. It felt like a room that belong to Fiona.

Fiona entered the room behind her, holding two shot glasses. She took the bottle from Dan, poured the alcohol into the two glasses and passed one to Dan. “Here you go,” she said.

“Cheers,” Dan said, clinking their glasses together and immediately feeling stupid.

Luckily, Fiona didn’t seem to mind. “Cheers,” she smiled, tossing her drink down her throat.

Dan did the same, grimacing immediately afterwards. She never got used to the taste of vodka.

“Another?” Fiona offered.

Dan shook her head. “No thanks. I’m good for now.”

Fiona nodded, collecting Dan’s shot glass and setting it aside with the bottle of vodka. She sat cross legged on her bed and patted the spot next to her. Dan sat down.

“So,” Fiona said, leaning forward, her chin on her hand. “Are you really straight?”

Dan startled. “What?”

Fiona shrugged. “You got weird when PJ said you were straight. That’s all.”

Dan hesitated. Sexuality was a sensitive subject for her. She’d spent most of her life determinedly not thinking about it. What she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her, she had reasoned, but lately, she wasn’t so sure.

“It’s okay,” Fiona said. Her eyes were bright and blue, reflecting the light. “I won’t tell.”

“I dunno,” Dan confessed. “Girls are kind of hot, but I don’t know… everyone thinks that.”

Fiona snorted. “No they don’t.”

Dan rolled her eyes. “I mean, not like, a lot. But a little bit.”

Fiona quirked an eyebrow. “They really don’t.”

Dan was starting to feel a bit silly now, but she had come this far. If she backed down now, she’d just feel even sillier. “Girls are always looking at other girls, telling them how pretty they look-”

Fiona laughed. “Dan, you sound like me when I was in grade school. Trust me, when those girls compliment you, they’re not thinking about having sex with you.”

“I mean-” Dan’s face felt warm.

Fiona leaned in closer, so close Dan could smell the soft rose of her shampoo. “Why? Are you thinking about that?”

Dan opened her mouth to respond, but her brain took this moment to go on vacation somewhere very far away. Hopefully it was somewhere sunny. Maybe it even had a beach. Dan wished she could join her brain there.

“Um,” she squeaked. Fiona’s face was very close to her face. Her eyes were so bright, and they weren’t really blue, Dan realized- they were a million dizzying shades of colors all at once, all green and blue and yellow. “What?”

Fiona leaned back. “Sorry. Ignore me. I’m just…” She flicked her hand. “I really need to get laid.”

Dan’s face felt even hotter as her imagination ran in directions it really should not be going.

Fiona noticed. Why did Fiona always notice? “Did that make you uncomfortable? I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to-”

Dan shook her head. “No!”

“Okay…” Fiona said slowly. “Why are you all red then?”

“Just.” Dan took a deep breath, stalling. “Thinking.”

“About?”

Dan’s face, which had cooled a bit, was hot again. She looked down.

“Oh.” Fiona smirked. “You want to.”

Dan opened her mouth, but her brain was still on vacation.

“It’s okay,” Fiona said. She was leaning forward again, not quite as far as she was earlier. Her hand slipped out to grip Dan’s thigh. Did her eyes drop down to Dan’s lips or did she imagine that? “You don’t need to be scared.”

Dan was leaning in too. Her brain had decided to return from vacation, but all it could focus on was the steady pressure on her thigh, the growing warmth in her core, how achingly perfect and pink Fiona’s lips were.

“Can I kiss you?” Dan whispered.

Fiona hesitated. “Look, Dan, yes, but I don’t want you to get the wrong idea- I mean, you’re cute and all, but I think we’d be better off not in a relationship.”

“I wasn’t saying- I don’t want-” Dan protested.

Fiona looked relieved. “Okay,” she said, and quickly closed the distance between them. So quickly that Dan barely had time to react before Fiona’s lips were on Dan’s, and _oh_.

They were so _soft_ , and Dan suddenly felt incredibly self conscious about how chapped her lips were, how rough they must be, but then Fiona opened her mouth, and Dan could taste the vodka on her tongue, and there was no more room in Dan’s head for insecurities.

Fiona tugged her own shirt off before reaching to tug at the hem of Dan’s. “Can you take your shirt off?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Dan said breathlessly. She lifted it over her head with shaking fingers, balling it up and tossing it to the side, where it landed on top of Fiona’s shirt.

Fiona closed the distance between them again, but she didn’t kiss her just yet. “You’re so pretty,” she whispered. “God, you’re so fucking pretty.” She kissed her then, slow and sweet.

Dan kissed back, breathless, hoping Fiona couldn’t feel how warm her face was getting again.

“You really sleep with boys?” Fiona said. “God, they don’t know what they’ve got.” She kissed her again, pushing Dan so she was lying down. “I’m going to make you feel so good.”

Dan couldn’t help but moan at that, pushing her hips upward against Fiona’s body.

Fiona smiled. “Are you ready?” she asked.

Dan hesitated. She was, but- “I don’t know what to do,” she confessed.

“It’s okay.” Fiona’s voice was soft and reassuring as she straddled Dan, pushing her further into the bedsheets. “I’ll show you.”

***

So maybe Dan was a little bit gay, she thought. Or maybe a little bit more than a little bit gay. That was what having sex with a girl usually meant when you were also a girl. Especially if you really enjoyed that sex.

Dan filed this piece of information away to think about later. Now wasn’t the time to have deep, introspective thoughts. Fiona was lying next to her and being very cute. She should focus on that instead.

“We have to cuddle afterwards,” Fiona pouted. “I always cuddle afterwards.”

Dan rolled her eyes, but she rolled herself closer, so her head was resting on Fiona’s shoulder. Fiona wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer. “Don’t be shy.” 

“I’m not,” Dan protested into her neck. The rose scent of her shampoo was even stronger from here, and her skin was a little bit sticky from sweat. It was a little bit nice- like they were glued together in the places their bare skin was touching, Dan thought.

It was also a little bit gross, but Dan had decided not to think about that.

“You can touch me,” Fiona said. “It’s okay.”

Dan reached across Fiona’s body, putting a hand on her hip, tracing circles with her thumb. Fiona hummed quietly. “That’s nice,” she said.

Dan’s other hand was a bit too awkwardly positioned to reach most of Fiona’s body, but it could reach just far enough to land in Fiona’s short, dark hair. “Hair,” Dan mumbled, because she wasn’t sure what else to say.

Fiona laughed. “Hair,” she agreed. 

Dan thought her head must be short circuiting. It was just hair, she reminded herself. Lots of people had hair. Lots of _boys_ had hair, but she’d never felt this way about a boy’s hair.

Of course, boys’ hair was never this nice. Fiona’s hair was so soft and nice smelling and Dan wanted to run her fingers through it, so she did.

“I like your hair,” she said.

“It’s good hair, isn’t it?” Fiona agreed.

“Now,” Dan said, “No need to get conceited.”

Fiona shoved Dan away playfully. “Hey.”

Dan pouted, opening her arms and giving Fiona her best puppy dog eyes. “Come back.”

“Apologize.” Fiona demanded.

Dan pretended to think about it.

“Apologize for upholding a patriarchal system where women are expected to-”

“Geez!” Dan said. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry.”

“Good,” Fiona said. She moved smugly into Dan’s arms, resting her head on her chest.

They stayed like that for a few moments. The rise and fall of Fiona’s chest was surprisingly calming. Dan tried to match her breathing for a bit- it was a nice relaxation exercise, she thought. Like meditation, except better.

“I have a dumb question,” Dan said.

“I have a dumb answer,” Fiona said. “Hit me.”

Dan tried to resist the urge to make the obvious joke, but failed. “Didn’t know you were into that.”

Fiona kicked her shin. “Hey.”

“Ow,” Dan said, even though it hadn’t really hurt.

“Sorry,” Fiona said, kissing the top of Dan’s head and moving closer so their legs were tangled together. “What’s the dumb question?”

“What’s your major?” Dan asked.

“Philosophy,” Fiona said.

“Oh,” Dan said.

“What did you think it was?” Fiona asked, a hint of laughter in her voice.

“Weren’t you doing STEM or something?”

“Oh.” Fiona’s face cleared of confusion. “I started out as a CS major, actually. I switched last semester, though.”

“Weird jump,” Dan said.

“Not really.” Dan could feel the movement in Fiona’s shoulders when she shrugged. “Theoretical computer science and philosophy are a lot more similar than most people realize. Lots of logic things involved.”

Before Dan had time to feel stupid for not knowing anything about Fiona’s major, Fiona changed the subject. “You’re an English major, right?”

“Yep,” Dan said.

Fiona dipped her head into Dan’s hair. “Ha. I got it right.”

“Right,” Dan said. “You’re a better friend than me. I get it.”

“Aww,” Fiona said. “I didn’t say that.”

“I did,” Dan said.

“Are you saying something mean about yourself?”

“Maybe.”

“Well, stop.”

Dan considered it. “What if I don’t want to?”

“Then I’ll make you,” Fiona said.

“Maybe I want you to.”

“Yeah?” Fiona turned her head to place a kiss on Dan’s collarbone.

“Yeah,” Dan breathed.

“Well,” Fiona said, “I’d love to, but it’s getting really late.”

“Oh.” Dan tried not to sound too disappointed.

“In fact,” Fiona said, reaching to check her phone, “It’s past midnight. You can stay over if you’d like, but if you’re not, you should probably head home. I’m going to bed soon.”

The offer was tempting. Dan kind of wanted to stay like this forever, but she did have a lot of homework to get to the next day, and she didn’t like the idea of running into Fiona’s roommate, or anyone really, the next morning. She didn’t need anyone to know what they had done.

“I think I’ll get going,” she said.

Fiona nodded, though she looked a bit disappointed. She sat up, reaching for her clothes, and Dan thought she might cry at the loss of her warmth.

She thought that immediately sobbing might not be the best look, so she just gathered her clothes and got dressed.

“Did you bring anything else?” Fiona asked, cracking her door open.

Dan shook her head. She had everything she had come with.

“Okay then.” Fiona walked Dan to the door, where she wasn’t quite sure how to say goodbye. A kiss was way too much, probably, maybe a hug? A handshake? No, definitely not a handshake-

“Text me when you get home,” Fiona whispered, hugging Dan tightly. Okay then, a hug. Dan clutched her back, sinking into her warmth. How was it possible for a human being to be so warm?

“I will,” Dan promised, reluctantly letting go.

Fiona nodded, pressing a light kiss to Dan’s mouth. “Good,” she said. “Be safe, okay?”

“I will,” Dan promised again. She stared for a moment back into Fiona’s eyes, wondering if she dared kiss her again.

Fiona shoved her lightly away and grinned. “Now get out of my apartment, loser.”

Dan was normally good at banter, but something about Fiona’s eyes were throwing her off today. “No, you,” she managed.

Fiona rolled her eyes. “See you.”

“See you.” Dan turned away, finally, and started down the stairs, her lips still burning from Fiona’s kiss.

It was colder than she expected outside. Dan had only worn a light sweatshirt- she hadn’t been expecting to leave so late, or for the temperature to drop so much while she was inside. She shivered, pulling her hood up.

Luckily, her own apartment wasn’t too far away- just a ten minute walk. She unlocked her door and slipped in quietly, hoping she wouldn’t wake her roommate up. There wasn’t a light from under her door- she was either still out or she had already gone to bed. Dan stayed quiet as she moved to her room, just in case.

_back_ , she texted Fiona before tossing her phone on her bed. She could really use a shower, but she was also incredibly tired, so she just changed into her pajamas and tossed her dirty clothes on the floor. She could pick up her laundry and take a shower in the morning.

She flopped down on her bed, rolling over to check her phone one last time before she fell asleep.

_I had a really good time tonight and I hope you did too :)_ , Fiona had messaged.

Dan relaxed a little bit. Fiona had certainly seemed to enjoy it, but there was always that doubt in the back of Dan’s head.

_i did :)_ Dan texted back. She hesitated, then added, _i’m glad you did too :)_

Disgusting. Way too many smiley faces. Who was she becoming?

She didn’t want to think too much about that question. She set her phone aside and rolled over, going to sleep.


	2. Interlude One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> right so, halfway through outlining this fic I decided it would be fun to write little interludes that contain every message Dan and Fiona send between chapters. so... this is the result.
> 
> They're designed so that they don't have to be read to understand the upcoming chapters, and there isn't really an overarching plot or anything, just a collection of fairly random conversations, but I hope you'll give them a read anyway.

October 20, 2019:

 **Fiona, 11:34 am** : I woke up so late holy shit

 **Dan, 11:36 am** : lol

 **Dan, 11:36 am** : what time did you go to bed

 **Fiona, 11:36 am** : …

 **Fiona, 11:37 am** : Late

 **Dan, 11:37 am** : i got up at 10

 **Dan, 11:37 am** : ha

 **Fiona, 11:37 am** : Look at Miss I Have My Life Together

 **Fiona, 11:37 am** : Does she deign to share her advice with her loyal peasants

 **Dan, 11:38 am** : no

 **Fiona, 11:38 am** : :(

 **Dan, 11:39 am** : suffer

 **Fiona, 11:41 am** : I am

 **Fiona, 11:41 am** : We’re out of cheerios

 **Dan, 11:42 am** : why

 **Fiona, 11:42 am** : I ate them

 **Dan, 11:42 am** : so you see why this is your fault?

 **Fiona, 11:43 am** : No

 **Dan, 11:43 am** : hmm

 **Fiona, 11:43 am** : Shut up

 **Fiona 11:43 am** : Ok bye I apparently need to go to the grocery store

 **Dan, 11:44 am** : wow that’s so weird i wonder why you have to go to the grocery store

 **Dan, 11:44 am** : bye have fun

 **Fiona, 11:55 am** : grocery shopping is never fun

 **Dan, 11:55** : you’re never fun

 **Fiona, 12:06 pm** : :(

**Fiona, 6:40 pm** :

**Dan, 7:02 pm** : WHAT

 **Dan, 7:02 pm** : DONT CALL ME OUT LIKE THIS

 **Dan, 7:02 pm** : LOOK WE WERE JUST FRIENDS OKAY

 **Dan, 7:02 pm** : female friendship is a very powerful thing

 **Fiona, 7:03 pm** : sure lmao

 **Fiona, 7:03 pm** : Glad to help you discover the power of female friendship last night <3

 **Dan, 7:03 pm** : STOP

 **Dan, 7:03 pm** : YOU’VE CALLED ME OUT ENOUGH

 **Fiona, 7:04 pm** : have I

 **Dan, 7:04 pm** : yes

 **Dan, 7:04 pm** : be nice :(

 **Fiona, 7:04 pm** : What if I’m not a nice person?

 **Dan, 7:05 pm** : you are tho

 **Fiona, 7:05 pm** : no u

 **Dan, 7:06 pm** : 🥺

 **Fiona, 7:06 pm** : bottom

 **Dan, 7:06 pm** : fuck you

 **Fiona, 7:07 pm** : lol that’s not how top/bottom works, dan

 **Dan, 7:07 pm** : FUCK YOU

 **Fiona, 7:07 pm** : ok maybe if you ask nicely

 **Dan, 7:07 pm** : no thoughts head empty

 **Fiona, 7:08 pm** : good thing I’m not attracted to you for your brain <3

 **Dan, 7:08 pm** : …

 **Fiona, 7:08 pm** : too far?

 **Dan, 7:09 pm** : roast me harder daddy 🥺

 **Fiona, 7:09 pm** : jesus fucking christ

 **Fiona, 7:09 pm** : i hate you

 **Dan, 7:10 pm** : :(

 **Fiona, 7:10 pm** : ugh FINE I don’t

 **Dan, 7:10 pm** : :)

October 21, 2019:

 **Dan, 10:31 am** : wanna see my favorite tumblr post

 **Fiona, 11:42 am** : YES

 **Dan, 11:43 am** : … did you just wake up

 **Fiona, 11:43 am** : DO YOU THINK I’M THIS ENERGETIC WHEN I JSUT WOKE UP?

 **Dan, 11:44 am** : *JUST

 **Fiona, 11:44 am** : SHUT

 **Fiona, 11:44 am** : GIVE ME POST

 **Dan, 11:45 am** : 

**Fiona, 11:46 am** : That’s your favorite tumblr post?

 **Dan, 11:46 am** : yes

 **Fiona, 11:46 am** : Should I be concerned that it’s about murder

 **Dan, 11:47 am** : it’s not about murder

 **Fiona, 11:47 am** : Yes it is

 **Dan, 11:47 am** : it’s about homiecide

 **Fiona, 11:47 am** : I will kill you

 **Dan, 11:48 am** : you’ll homiecide me?

 **Fiona, 11:48 am** : NO

 **Fiona, 11:48 am** : I will kill you

 **Dan, 11:48 am** : :(

 **Fiona, 11:48 am** : :)

**Fiona, 10:43 pm** : How was your day?

 **Fiona, 10:43 pm** : Kill any homies?

 **Dan, 10:45 pm** : No

 **Dan, 10:45 pm** : Come over, you can be the first

 **Fiona, 10:45 pm** : 🥺

 **Fiona, 10:45 pm** : I’m honored

 **Fiona, 10:46 pm** : Can I though? I crave death

 **Dan, 10:46 pm** : oh no

 **Dan, 10:46 pm** : why?

 **Fiona, 10:47 pm** : I did a procrastination again

 **Dan, 10:47 pm** : now why would you do that?

 **Fiona, 10:47 pm** : Because I’m stupid

 **Dan, 10:47 pm** : 😔

 **Dan, 10:48 pm** : what have you learned from this?

 **Fiona, 10:48 pm** : Absolutely nothing

 **Fiona, 10:48 pm** : I will do it again

 **Dan, 10:48 pm** : we love to hear it

 **Fiona, 10:49 pm** : 😔 you do maybe

 **Dan, 10:49 pm** : how are u imply that i take pleasure in the downfall of others

 **Fiona, 10:50 pm** : YOU LITERALLY SAID IT FIRST

 **Fiona, 10:50 pm** : YOU SAID YOU LOVED TO HEAR IT

 **Dan, 10:51 pm** : really? that doesn’t sound like something i would say

 **Fiona, 10:51 pm** : Stop gaslighting me

 **Dan, 10:52 pm** : :)

 **Fiona, 10:52 pm** : :(

 **Dan, 10:53 pm** : go do your homework

 **Fiona, 10:53 pm** : FINE

October 22, 2019:

 **Dan, 4:12 am** : wake up i’m bored

 **Dan, 4:15 am** : why can’t i sleep i hate myself

 **Dan, 4:20 am** : haha 420 blaze it

 **Dan, 4:20 am** : i’m kidding i don’t smoke weed

 **Dan, 4:20 am** : i’m lame

 **Dan, 4:32 am** : i have class at 9:30 am i’m going to die

 **Dan, 4:32 am** : pray for me

 **Dan, 4:56 am** : i think i’m finally tired

 **Dan, 4:56 am** : i hate myself

 **Dan, 4:56 am** : wait i already said that

 **Dan, 4:56 am** : oh well

 **Dan, 4:56 am** : good night 🖤

 **Fiona, 9:42 am** : Oh no

 **Fiona, 9:42 am** : Did you make it to class?

 **Dan, 9:44 am** : im dying

 **Fiona, 9:46 am** : Oh no

 **Dan, 9:50 am** : i made it to class but i regret my entire existence

 **Fiona, 9:51 am** : Oh no

 **Dan, 9:52 am** : shut up

 **Dan, 9:52 am** : i have never been this tired

 **Fiona, 9:52 am** : When do you get out?

 **Dan, 9:55 am** : 11 🤡

 **Fiona, 9:55 am** : Why did you even go to class today holy shit

 **Dan, 9:57 am** : I’m stupid

 **Fiona, 10:00 am** : Can you leave?

 **Dan, 10:05 am** : i’m already here i might as well suffer

 **Fiona, 10:06 am** : D:

 **Fiona, 10:06 am** : suffering bad

 **Dan, 10:11 am** : whoa really

 **Dan, 10:11 am** : thank you for letting me know

 **Fiona, 10:11 am** : Of course

 **Dan, 10:12 am** : where would i be without you

 **Fiona, 10:12 am** : Class

 **Dan, 10:13 am** : wait

 **Dan, 10:13 am** : i am in class

 **Fiona, 10:14 am** : Yeah

 **Fiona, 10:14 am** : Without me

 **Dan, 10:20 am** : u have a point

 **Fiona, 10:21 am** : I have lots of points

 **Fiona, 10:21 am** : Come hang out with me, I’ll save you from going to class at 9:30 am

 **Dan, 10:25 am** : my hero

 **Fiona, 10:26 am** : 🥰

 **Dan, 10:35 am** : only 25 more minutes

 **Dan, 10:35 am** : i can do this

 **Fiona, 10:36 am** : Just so you know, falling asleep in class is completely valid

 **Dan, 10:40 am** : i can make it

 **Dan, 10:40 am** : i believe in me

 **Fiona, 10:41 am** : Okay

 **Fiona, 10:41 am** : Good luck!

 **Dan, 10:45 am** : i don’t believe in me

 **Dan, 10:45 am** : i’m dying

 **Fiona, 10:46 am** : If I believe in you will that help

 **Dan, 10:47 am** : no

 **Fiona, 10:47 am** : 13 minutes, you can do it

 **Dan, 10:50 am** : i cant

 **Fiona, 10:50 am** : You can!

 **Fiona, 10:51 am** : I will reward you if you do

 **Dan, 10:52 am** : how

 **Fiona, 10:52 am** : 😏

 **Dan, 10:53 am** : 😳

 **Dan, 10:54 am** : how

 **Fiona, 10:55 am** : Live through this class and you’ll see

 **Dan, 10:56 am** : it better not be socks or something

 **Fiona, 10:56 am** : Oh no of course not, I would never

 **Fiona, 10:56 am** : It’s sexual favors

 **Dan, 10:57 am** : FIONA

 **Dan, 10:57 am** : im in CLASS you can’t just SAY THAT

 **Fiona, 10:58 am** : Oops

 **Dan, 10:59 am** : i hate you so much

 **Fiona, 10:59 am** : Shh

 **Fiona, 10:59 am** : One more minute, you can do this

 **Dan, 11:00 am** : don’t change the subject

 **Fiona, 11:00 am** : Too late

 **Fiona, 11:00 am** : Did you survive

 **Dan, 11:01 am** : no

 **Dan, 11:01 am** : you fucking KILLED me

 **Fiona, 11:02 am** : Too bad

 **Fiona, 11:02 am** : I was really looking forward to seeing you again

 **Dan, 11:02 am** : well too bad

 **Dan, 11:02 am** : you should’ve thought of that before you said things like that

 **Fiona, 11:03 am** : I’m not good at thinking

 **Dan, 11:03 am** : okay philosophy major

 **Fiona, 11:03 am** : I never claimed to be a GOOD philosophy major

 **Dan, 11:04 am** : …

 **Dan, 11:05 am** : (can i have those sexual favors now or nah)

 **Fiona, 11:06 am** : The prize was for surviving

 **Fiona, 11:06 am** : I thought you said you died

 **Dan, 11:07 am** : ugh

 **Dan, 11:07 am** : i hate you

 **Dan, 11:07 am** : i’m going to go home and take a nap

 **Fiona, 11:07 am** : That sounds like a great idea

 **Fiona, 11:07 am** : Sleep a lot you deserve it

 **Dan, 11:08 am** : i will sleep so much

 **Dan, 11:08 am** : gn

October 23, 2019:

 **Fiona, 7:14 pm** : I did a cooking

 **Dan, 7:14 pm** : I did too you’re not special

 **Fiona, 7:14 pm** : Okay but did you bake cheesecake

 **Dan, 7:15 pm** : no

 **Dan, 7:15 pm** : did you?

 **Fiona, 7:15 pm** : As a matter of fact, yes

 **Dan, 7:15 pm** : can i have some

 **Fiona, 7:16 pm** : No

 **Dan, 7:16 pm** : :(

 **Dan, 7:16 pm** : why’d you bake cheesecake

 **Fiona, 7:17 pm** : Because I CAN

 **Fiona, 7:17 pm** : idk, don’t you ever get the urge to bake cheesecake at 6pm on a Wednesday?

 **Dan, 7:18 pm** : i have never gotten the urge to bake something in my life

 **Fiona, 7:18 pm** : Okay, have you ever gotten the urge to *eat* cheesecake at 6pm on a Wednesday?

 **Dan, 7:18 pm** : now we’re talking

 **Dan, 7:19 pm** : yes ofc

 **Dan, 7:19 pm** : are you sure i can’t have any

 **Fiona, 7:20 pm** : Yes

 **Dan, 7:21 pm** : :(

 **Dan, 7:21 pm** : why not

 **Fiona, 7:22 pm** : It’s not a large cheesecake

 **Fiona, 7:22 pm** : … I may have eaten a large chunk of it already

 **Dan, 7:22 pm** : and you didn’t save any for me

 **Fiona, 7:23 pm** : I did not

 **Dan, 7:23 pm** : i’m blocking you

 **Dan, 7:23 pm** : never speak to me again

 **Fiona, 7:23 pm** : D:

 **Fiona, 7:24 pm** : but im cute

 **Dan, 7:25 pm** : so?

 **Fiona, 7:26 pm** : I’ll save some for you next time 🥺

 **Dan, 7:26 pm** : really? 🥺

 **Fiona, 7:26 pm** : yes 🥺

 **Dan, 7:26 pm** : ok i guess i won’t block u 🥺

 **Fiona, 7:27 pm** : 🥺

 **Fiona, 7:27 pm** : That’s so sweet

 **Dan, 7:28 pm** : i’m generous like that

 **Fiona, 7:28 pm** : What would I do without you

 **Dan, 7:28 pm** : eat more cheesecake because you wouldn’t have to save any for me probably

 **Fiona, 7:29 pm** : When you put it like that

 **Fiona, 7:29 pm** : Why do I even talk to you

 **Dan, 7:29 pm** : You’re asking me??

 **Fiona, 7:30 pm** : I guess so, yeah

 **Dan, 7:30 pm** : um because i’m cute

 **Fiona, 7:30 pm** : Hmmm

 **Fiona, 7:30 pm** : Yeah, probably

 **Dan, 7:31 pm** : cuter than cheesecake :)

 **Fiona, 7:31 pm** : Now, I don’t know if I’d go *that* far

 **Dan, 7:31 pm** : cuter than cheesecake :)

 **Fiona, 7:31 pm** : … cuter than cheesecake

 **Dan, 7:32 pm** : i’m glad we’ve come to a compromise

 **Fiona, 7:32 pm** : I don’t think insisting that I agree with you is a compromise

 **Fiona, 7:32 pm** : I think that’s just getting your way

 **Dan, 7:32 pm** : it’s a compromise

 **Fiona, 7:32 pm** : No

 **Dan, 7:33 pm** : COMPROMISE

 **Fiona, 7:33 pm** : FINE

 **Fiona, 7:33 pm** : Compromise

 **Dan, 7:33 pm** : see? another successful compromise

 **Fiona, 7:33 pm** : … yay us

 **Dan, 7:34 pm** : we’re doing great :)

 **Dan, 7:34 pm** : communication is so important

 **Fiona, 7:34 pm** : Uh huh

 **Fiona, 7:35 pm** : I’m going to go finish my cheesecake

 **Dan, 7:35 pm** : :(

 **Dan, 7:35 pm** : as long as you save me some next time

 **Dan, 7:35 pm** : see? i compromised

 **Fiona, 7:36 pm** : Huh, I guess you did

 **Fiona, 7:36 pm** : Good job

 **Dan, 7:36 pm** : thank u

 **Dan, 7:36 pm** : enjoy your cheesecake

 **Fiona, 7:37 pm** : I will :)

October 24, 2019:

 **Dan, 4:09 pm** : i literally can’t wait until the weekend

 **Dan, 4:09 pm** : i want to die

 **Fiona, 4:15 pm** : Will you stop wanting to die on the weekend

 **Dan, 4:16 pm** : no but i’ll forget about it

 **Fiona, 4:16 pm** : Close enough

 **Dan, 4:17 pm** : i have written so many papers in the past week

 **Dan, 4:17 pm** : i want to die

 **Fiona, 4:17 pm** : Oh no

 **Fiona, 4:17 pm** : When are you done writing papers?

 **Dan, 4:18 pm** : never i’m an english major

 **Fiona, 4:18 pm** : I’m so sorry

 **Fiona, 4:18 pm** : Do you want to talk about it

 **Dan, 4:19 pm** : … yes

 **Fiona, 4:20 pm** : Is this a crisis about your major? I’m an expert on those

 **Dan, 4:20 pm** : no, i love english

 **Dan, 4:20 pm** : well i don’t really *love* anything but english is tolerable

 **Fiona, 4:21 pm** : lol

 **Fiona, 4:21 pm** : I think lots of people don’t *love* what they do

 **Fiona, 4:21 pm** : There’s nothing wrong with that

 **Dan, 4:22 pm** : I guess

 **Dan, 4:23 pm** : do you *love* philosophy?

 **Fiona, 4:23 pm** : idk

 **Fiona, 4:24 pm** : I like it

 **Fiona, 4:25 pm** : Honestly I probably won’t end up doing it long term anyway

 **Dan, 4:25 pm** : Why not?

 **Fiona, 4:26 pm** : Not a lot of people get paid to sit around and ponder the mysteries of life

 **Fiona, 4:26 pm** : Unless you go into academia I guess and ick, that’s so much grad school

 **Dan, 4:27 pm** : yeah i guess not

 **Dan, 4:27 pm** : people don’t really get paid to sit around an analyze literature a lot either, do they?

 **Fiona, 4:27 pm** : idk

 **Fiona, 4:28 pm** : Do they?

 **Dan, 4:28 pm** : i feel like probably not

 **Dan, 4:28 pm** : should’ve paid more attention in english 100 lol i think they talked about that

 **Fiona, 4:29 pm** : We all should’ve paid more attention in our orientation classes yet here we are

 **Fiona, 4:29 pm** : Worst comes to worst I’ll just use my CS minor for something

 **Dan, 4:30 pm** : you’re getting a CS minor?

 **Fiona, 4:30 pm** : I had already finished like half the required classes when I switched to philosophy so why not?

 **Fiona, 4:31 pm** : Also it was one of my parents’ requirements for letting me switch but we don’t talk about that

 **Dan, 4:32 pm** : lol

 **Dan, 4:32 pm** : unfortunately i don’t have a cs minor to fall back on

 **Fiona, 4:33 pm** : It’s not too late to get one :P

 **Dan, 4:33 pm** : no thank u!

 **Fiona, 4:34 pm** : aww

 **Fiona, 4:35 pm** : too bad

 **Dan, 4:35 pm** : i am not willing to stoop to doing math to appease capitalism

 **Fiona, 4:35 pm** : lol, have it your way

 **Fiona, 4:35 pm** : English is a good degree, you’ll be fine

 **Fiona, 4:36 pm** : Besides, you have a few years to figure things out

 **Dan, 4:36 pm** : this is true!

 **Dan, 4:36 pm** : i’m going to go forget about my problems and procrastinate dealing with them

 **Fiona, 4:36 pm** : have fun <3

 **Dan, 4:37 pm** : i will!

October 25, 2019:

 **Dan, 11:24 am** : college is stupid

 **Dan, 11:24 am** :

**Fiona, 11:26 am** : You can still do that now if you really want

 **Dan, 11:26 am** : it’s not the same

 **Dan, 11:26 am** : you live with the constant fear of someone catching you

 **Fiona, 11:27 am** : Okay but you admit that you *could*

 **Fiona, 11:27 am** : You’re just a coward

 **Dan, 11:28 am** : excuse me

 **Dan, 11:28 am** : what did you just say to me

 **Dan, 11:28 am** : i’ll fight you

 **Fiona, 11:29 am** : Okay

 **Fiona, 11:29 am** : To the death or just to giving up?

 **Dan: 11:29 am** : i’d die before i’d give up

 **Fiona, 11:30 am** : Death it is

 **Fiona, 11:30 am** : It’s been nice knowing you

 **Dan, 11:31 am** : you too

 **Dan, 11:31 am** : okay bye i have to go write a paper

 **Dan, 11:31 am** : it was nice talking to you

 **Fiona, 11:32 am** : :(

 **Fiona, 11:32 am** : It was nice talking to you too

 **Fiona, 11:32 am** : Write fast and then return to me

 **Dan, 11:33 am** : ofc <3

 **Fiona, 11:33 am** : <3

October 26, 2019:

 **Fiona, 9:51 pm** : Any fun plans this weekend

 **Dan, 9:55 pm** : Writing more papers lmao

 **Dan, 9:55 pm** : wbu?

 **Fiona, 9:56 pm** : aww :(

 **Fiona, 9:56 pm** : Same I guess, mostly just homework

 **Fiona, 9:56 pm** : 😔

 **Dan, 9:57 pm** : honestly

 **Dan, 9:57 pm** : fuck homework

 **Dan, 9:58 pm** : will you run away to the woods with me

 **Fiona, 9:59 pm** : 😳

 **Fiona, 10:00 pm** : That’s kinda gay

 **Dan, 10:01 pm** : no it’s not

 **Dan, 10:02 pm** : we will live in a cottage with two bedrooms

 **Fiona, 10:03 pm** : But that’s less fun

 **Dan, 10:05 pm** : 😳

 **Dan, 10:06 pm** : that’s kinda gay

 **Fiona, 10:07 pm** : I’m kinda gay

 **Dan, 10:08 pm** : 😳

 **Fiona, 10:08 pm** : 😏

 **Fiona, 10:11 pm** : Can we move to the woods after I finish this paper

 **Dan, 10:12 pm** : no sorry i’m leaving right now

 **Fiona, 10:13 pm** : Oh well :( I’ll try to visit

 **Dan, 10:14 pm** : thank you

 **Dan, 10:14 pm** : just let me know when you’re visiting and i will make you the most mediocre stir fry you’ve ever had

 **Fiona, 10:15 pm** : lmao sounds good

 **Fiona, 10:15 pm** : I have to go work on my paper now :( but I will visit your cottage in the woods as soon as possible

 **Dan, 10:16 pm** : appreciated

 **Dan, 10:16 pm** : good luck on your paper!

 **Fiona, 10:16 pm** : good luck on your move to the woods!

**Author's Note:**

> like/rb/say hi on [tumblr](https://counting2fifteen.tumblr.com/post/632459435004116993/5-times-dan-and-fiona-were-not-dating-and-one) if you'd like


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